In Search of the Perfect Meat Pie on Chocolate Day
Today it is chocolate Friday, but, on this carnivorous day I declare I want to eat an extraordinary meat pie.
This, I decided, should be a pie to be savoured. It must definitely be award winning, preferably with 5 stars from a local festival of pie eating.
I really don’t want to throw just any old pastry entombed cow bits down my neck. These must be quality cow bits, prime juicy cow bits, in the most golden of perfect pastry crustiness…at least that’s what I hoped for…
The Best Pie In The Entire Universe!
I perused the local pie dispensing storefronts (there are four here) and noticed that two of them claimed ‘award winning status’. One of them even claimed to be the home of the Sunshine Coasts best Pie.
It seems that of the many things in life that are deemed important to award things to, meat pies are one of them, in company with bottles of cheap wine (the more medals on the label the better) and 1st place in the sack race at the school sports day. Obviously in today’s cut-throat ‘pie eat pie’ fast food sector one cannot simply hope to compete at the forefront of pie-dom without displaying a sign outside of the shop that emphatically declares ‘Voted best pie in the Universe’ (*Weasel Handlers weekly issue 59, page 6, paragraph 31)
The Accused
This brings me to the pie in question, ‘exhibit A mi’lud’. An innocent enough looking character, but not, it seems, the stand-up citizen of Award Winning Pie-Land that it’s oh so enticing Golden crust may have you believe. I’m not going to name the perpetrator of this pie, as it goes against my grain to give any promotion or link love at all to any organisation that might not be doing the very best of work. Yes, fellow pie lover, I will only name names when I have something nice to say (with the subtext being that if I do actually say something good about something, then you really know that I think its really really good).
And so to the pie. Served on a white plate, this was a beef, burgundy and mushroom pie. The crust was lovely and golden, and had a nice soft crunch to it when my fork cut into it. A good start. I looked inside, and there was definitely meat in there, but not enough I personally felt to be deserving of award winning status. Oh well, lets give this pie the benefit of the doubt as the crust looks so good. I put it in my mouth. Oh oh… this pie is not very warm. DEAR PIE VENDORS of the world, please take note. YOUR PIES MUST BE SERVED HOT! If its not hot then that conjures up all sorts of visions in the mind of ‘health concious’ pie eater. We returned the Pie.
After a couple of minutes of nuking in the Microwave, the pie sat innocently before me again. Lets try this again shall we. Nuking a pie does not do good things to the pastry. It goes all flippy floppy. I examined the interior of the pie once more, with echoes of “Where’s the Beef?” bouncing through the space between my ears.
On the Gravy Train…
A vital ingredient in a pie is a really good thick meaty gravy, and as this was a beef burgundy pie I was expecting a rich full taste. This pie did not have either. In fact the gravy was sort of gloopy in a similar fashion to my childs snotty nose. Way too much thickener, not enough Gravy. There are a lot of things in life that I feel are like that. Mars bars for one (if you substitute chocolate for gravy and nougat for thickener (what?)). I remember when it seemed Mars Bars were coated in so much chocolate that you had to book in for a major tooth reconstruction if you tried to eat a cold one ’straight from the fridge’. Where did the chocolate go? I digress.
The Award Winning Pie Criteria
Back to the pies that claim to hold trophies aloft in celebration of their third-party endorsed tastiness…
PIE VENDORS of the WORLD, here are my criteria for an award winning pie, if I were to actually award some awards for award winning pies:
- Crispy golden crust, not too short, but ‘juuuuust right’
- No soggy bottoms (nobody likes a soggy bottom)
- A rich meaty gravy which is thick and tasty
- and most of all, it must be absolutely and utterly be packed with lots and lots and lots of juicy and tasty prime cow chunks.
There you have it. If you have a pie which can meet the above criteria then please do express it to me by courier. I will be more than happy to review it for my lunch.
